Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
