If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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