I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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