i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
tell me about the eggs
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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