apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
