my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
