If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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