She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
