My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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