Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
don't judge my taste in strippers
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
