I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
