i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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