Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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