Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
