Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
