would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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