Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
