I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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