you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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