I just made out with a guy for $7.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
