Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
