Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I looked at my own cervix.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize