It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
sex in a hospital.. check
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
And then my night got REAL pukey
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
