Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Randomize
