gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Randomize
