I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
