matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
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