Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
