I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
