I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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