Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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