I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
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