All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
