I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
