How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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