I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
