I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
