so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
