***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
