I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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