Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize