Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
