What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
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