I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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