i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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