i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Even the bartender felt bad for me
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
