11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
