trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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