ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize