Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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