The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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