barbara walters just said penis...
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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