Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize