God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
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