You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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