i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
