i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
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