she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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