Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
